Because we are, after all, only human, we are bound to encounter many situations in our lives where we fail to make the right choice, fail to do the right thing, fail to say the right thing. Moreover, we may have high hopes of our performance, we may expect to do well in a particular situation, but we will nevertheless have the experience of failure. Naturally, this makes the failure even more painful. How should we deal with our failures and move on? In the face of our failures we can always find, at least, one positive thing. Therefore, we must concentrate on this positive aspect of our failure and forget all else in order to learn from our experience, regain our self-confidence and start afresh.
Suppressing our experience of failure does not help us to learn from it, although suppression may be tempting to alleviate the pain of failure. On the other hand, thinking constantly about our failure will not help us learn from our experience either. If we constantly think about our failure, we magnify the pain, the shame, the frustration of the failure. Therefore, although we may find the reason for our failure by thinking about it, we will have magnified the negative emotions that come from failing and will have lessened our confidence to such an extent that we may not have the strength of character to make the right choice next time we are faced with a similar situation.
Rather than concentrating on the reason for our failure, it is more important to first regain our self-confidence. If we regain our self-confidence, we negate the negative emotions which, in turn, makes us ready to face our failure and the reason for our failure without being overcome by frustration or guilt.
In order to regain our self-confidence, we must find something positive about our experience of failure. There will always be something positive. Perhaps we can rejoice in the fact that had this failure come about some years ago, it would have had a crushing effect on our morale. Or perhaps we can take the experience of failure as an opportunity to learn and grow and progress. In this way, finding a positive aspect to our failure will help us regain our self-confidence.
I know from my own experience that failures in chess can be extremely painful. It is very difficult for a serious tournament player of chess to be detached from what transpires on the chess board. Chess is, in fact, a very personal and emotional game, where a loss is generally viewed as a personal failure.
Nevertheless, chess players are also well-advised to concentrate on the positive to regain their self-confidence. The following anecdote from former women's world chess champion, Xie Jun, can, perhaps, form a shining example: In 1992, Xie Jun played in a tournament in Baden-Baden in Germany. At that time she was only a part-time chess player and a part-time student. Being the lowest rated player in her group, expectations were modest, yet after 7 rounds of 11, Xie Jun was leading the field. However, she lost the last four games and finished 9th.
Shortly afterwards, chess journalist Dirk Jan ten Geuzendam observed Xie Jun and her coach, Ye Jiangchuan analysing her games: "It is a bit of a sad scene...Ye Jiangchuan, China's strongest player, watches stoically as Xie Jun's fingers flitter across the board and push the pieces to squares where they might have had better prospects. Suddenly [Xie Jun] flashes a look at her coach and travel companion and chuckles, "I'm so lucky." And at his look of total incomprehension "Just imagine how unhappy I would have been now if I were a professional"."(1)
(1) "Interview: Xie Jun." New In Chess. 1993/1. p.51.
Suren has been interested in self-help psychology since his high school years, where he was awarded for achievements in social sciences. He is a student of spiritual teacher Sri Chinmoy and the former chess champion of Reykjavík city. He is also a member of the Sri Chinmoy M.T which is noted for its ultra distance running events. http://www.srichinmoyraces.org
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